If you’re dating a ‘,loser’, you may recognize in your playmate some of these characteristics described by Consulting Clinical Psychologist Joseph M. Carver, PhD. This article proceeds with a note on dangerous versions of the ‘,loser’ and offers guidelines for detachment. Also see the fresh “Relationship Quiz: True Love or True Loser?”, which may help you to identify and highlight practices of concern within your relationship.
This article was published to the Internet several years ago and was originally written to help identify “Losers” in relationships. The e-mail feedback I have received on the article has been tremendous. It’s clear the article is a way of identifying not only “losers” but controlling, abusive, and manipulating individuals. It’s also visible these warning signs are not only found in dating relationships —, but in our spouse, our parents, our friends, and our relatives. There are more victims in the environment of the Loser than his or her playmate.
I’ve been contacted for help by the friends and loved ones of people involved in relationships with Losers (controlling and/or abusive playmates). The loved ones want to understand the situation and ask for recommendations and guidance. For this group I have also recently published “Stockholm Syndrome: The Psychological Mystery of Loving an Abuser”.
Obviously, this article has created the need for sequels. I hope to publish a guide to assist Losers who want to switch their life and behavior. An article addressing sons and daughters who were parented by Losers is also being planned. If our parent or parents have the characteristics listed in this article, our capability to function as a healthy adult may be hindered due to the dysfunctional family/parent model. My objective is to go after this issue and provide help and guidance to all those involved with controlling and abusive individuals —, from fucking partners to extended victims.
Very few relationships commence on terms other than sweetness and politeness. In the beginning, “the honeymoon” of the relationship, it’s difficult to determine what type of individual you are dating. Both you and the date are guarded, attempting to obtain information about the other as much as possible without seeming like a police detective.
Romantic relationships can be wonderful with the right person. A relationship with the wrong individual however can lead to years of heartache, emotional/social harm, and even physical harm. A hurting adult fucking partner can harm us, harm our loved ones, and even harm the way we feel about love and romance in the future. They can turn what is supposed to be a loving, supporting, and understanding relationship into the “fatal attraction” often described in movies. A multitude of “bad choices” may be encountered each week —, most of which are effortless to identify and avoid. We all know to avoid people that emerge insane or abusive and not select them as a dating fucking partner. However, some individuals are better at hiding their personality and behavior abnormalities. In an effort to provide some warning about these very bruising individuals, this paper will outline a type of individual commonly found in the dating scene, a masculine or female labeled “The Loser”.
“The Loser” is a type of fucking partner that creates much social, emotional and psychological harm in a relationship. “The Loser” has permanent personality characteristics that create this harm. These are characteristics that they accept simply as the way they are and not a problem or psychological difficulty. In one sense, they have always lived with this personality and behavior, and it is often something they learned from their relatives/family. Psychologists usually treat the victims of “The Loser”, women or guys who arrive at the office severely depressed with their self-confidence and self-esteem totally demolished.
The following list is an attempt to outline the characteristics of “The Loser” and provide a manner in which women and studs can identify potentially bruising relationships before they are themselves severely bruised emotionally or even physically. If your fucking partner possesses even one of these features, there is risk in the relationship. More than three of these indicators and you are involved with “The Loser” in a very high risk relationship that will eventually create harm to you. When a high number of these features are present —, it’s not a ‘,most likely’ or a ‘,possibly’. You will be hurt and bruised by “The Loser” if you stay in the relationship.
- Rough Treatment: “The Loser” will hurt you on purpose. If he or she hits you, twists your arm, pulls your hair, kicks you, shoves you, or violates your private property EVEN ONCE, drop them. Masculine losers often begin with behaviors that stir you physically or hit the wall. Female losers often spank, kick and even punch their masculine fucking partners when upset.
- Quick Attachment and Expression: “The Loser” has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to “The Loser” is how quickly he or she says “I Love You” or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you’ll hear that you’re the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You’ll receive gifts, a multitude of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the “honeymoon phase” —, where they catch you and coax you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Reminisce the business telling “If it’s too good to be true it very likely is (too good to be true)!” You may be so perplexed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you’ll miss the major point —, it doesn’t make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a long time and a lot of information before suggesting a commitment —, not three weeks. It’s true that we can become infatuated with others quickly —, but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause “The Loser” to detach from you as quickly as they committed. “The Loser” typically wants to budge in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.
- Panicking Temper: “The Loser” has a scary temper. If your bf or gf blows up and does dangerous things, like driving too prompt because they’re mad, cracking/throwing things, getting into fights, or menacing others —, that temper will soon be turned in your direction. In the beginning of the relationship, you will be exposed to “witnessed violence” —, fights with others, threats toward others, angry outbursts at others, etc. You will also hear of violence in their life. You will see and witness this temper —, throwing things, yelling, cursing, driving swift, hitting the walls, and kicking things. That quickly serves to intimidate you and cause you to fear their potential for violence, albeit “The Loser” quickly assures you that they are angry at others or situations, not at you. At very first, you will be assured that they will never direct the hostility and violence at you. But they are clearly letting you know that they have that capability and capability —, and that it might come your way. Later, you fear challenging or confronting them —, fearing that same temper and violence will be turned in your direction.
- Killing Your Self-Confidence: “The Loser” repeatedly puts you down. They permanently correct your slight mistakes, making you feel “on guard”, unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that you are always doing something wrong. They tell you that you’re too fat, too unattractive, or don’t talk correctly or look good. This gradual chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem permits them to treat you badly later —, as however you deserved it. In public, you will be “walking on eggshells” —, always fearing you are doing or telling something that will later create a temper outburst or spoken argument.
- Cutting Off Your Support: In order to control someone downright, you must cut off their supportive friends —, sometimes even their family. “The Loser” feels your friends and family might influence you or suggest negative opinions about their behavior. “The Loser” starts by telling you these friends treat you badly, take advantage of you, and don’t understand the special nature of the love you share with them. In some cases, if they can’t get rid of your best same-sex friend, “The Loser” will claim he or she made a pass at them. If you talk to your friends or family, “The Loser” will penalize you by asking numerous questions or making nasty accusations. Eventually, rather than face the wordy penalty, interrogation, and manhandle, you’ll develop the feeling that it’s better not to talk to family and friends. You will withdraw from friends and family, prompting them to become upset with you. “The Loser” then tells you they are treating you badly again and you’d be better to keep your distance from them. Once you are isolated and alone, without support, their control over you can increase.
- The Mean and Sweet Cycle: “The Loser” cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be vocally manhandled, cursed, and threatened over something minor. All of a sudden, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you began dating. You suspend on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to permit “The Loser” to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. “The Loser” often apologizes, but the harm to your self-esteem is already done —, exactly as planned.
- It’s Always Your Fault: “The Loser” blames you for their anger as well as any other behavior that is incorrect. When they cheat on you, yell at you, treat you badly, harm your property, or embarrass you publicly —, it’s somehow your fault. If you are ten minutes late for a date, it’s your fault that the masculine loser drives 80 miles per hour, runs people off the road, and pouts the rest of the evening. “The Loser” tells you their anger and misbehavior would not have happened if you had not made some plain mistake, had loved them more, or had not questioned their behavior. “The Loser” never, repeat never, takes individual responsibility for their behavior —, it’s always the fault of someone else. If they drive like a maniac and attempt to pull an harmless driver off the highway to onslaught them —, it’s actually the fault of the other driver (not his), as they didn’t use a turn signal when they switched lanes. They give you the impression that you had it (anger, yelling, brunt) coming and deserved the anger, violence, pouting, or physical display of aggression.
- Breakup Scare: “The Loser” panics at the idea of cracking up —, unless it’s totally their idea, and then you’re dropped like a hot rock. Abusive bf’s often break down and sob, they plead, they promise to switch, and they suggest marriage/trips/gifts when you menace to end the relationship. Both masculine and female losers may menace suicide, menace to comeback to old sweethearts (who feel fortunate they’re gone!), or menace to abandon their job and leave the area —, as however you will be responsible for those decisions. “The Loser” offers a multitude of “deals” and halfway measures, like “Let’s just date one more month!”
They shower you with phone calls, often every five minutes, hoping that you will make an agreement or see them just to stop the telephone harassment. Some call your relatives, your friends, their friends, and anyone else they can think of —, telling those people to call you and tell you how much they love you. Creative losers often create so much social pressure that the victim agrees to go back to the bad relationship rather than proceed under the social pressure. Imagine attempting to end a relationship and receiving tearful calls from all his or her relatives (they secretly hope you’ll keep them so they don’t have to), watching a prayer for your comeback in the newspaper or even on a local billboard, receiving flowers at work each day, or having them arrive at your place of work and suggest you a wedding ring (masculine loser mechanism) or inform you that they might be pregnant (female loser technology) in front of your coworkers! Their reaction is emotionally intense, a behavior they use to keep you an emotional prisoner. If you go back to them, you actually fear a worse reaction if you menace to leave again (making you a prisoner) and they later frequently recall the incident to you as further evidence of what a bad person you are. Reminisce, if your prize dog hops the fence and escapes, when you get him back you build a higher fence. Once back in the grab of “The Loser” —, escape will be three times as difficult the next time.
You Might Also Like
Relationship Quiz: True Love or True Loser?
Understanding Personality Disorders in Relationships
Stockholm Syndrome: The Psychological Mystery of Loving an Abuser
Depression: Understanding Causes, Symptoms and Treatment
Fucking partner’s Internet Addiction Test
Assessing Suitability of Email Counselling and Online Therapy
In This Section
- Self-Help and Overviews
- Are You Dating a Loser? Identifying Losers, Controllers and Abusers
All clinical material on this site is peer reviewed by one or more clinical psychologists or other qualified mental health professionals. This specific article was last reviewed or updated by Dr Greg Mulhauser, Managing Editor on December 20, 2014 .